i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
