I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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