1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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