I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
