you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
