And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
