She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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