I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize