i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
