He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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