Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
