who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
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