im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
