The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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