Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I stole a fireplace last night.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
