he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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