im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
