apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
