i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
