saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Randomize
