I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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