why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
