Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
