The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
