apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
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Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
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Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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