i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
