we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
