also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
stop calling my apartment porn island.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
