i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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