Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
