life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I sprained my soul last night
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
