she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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