I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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