My boss' voice literally gives me gas
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
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I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
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Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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