His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
