Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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