Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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