I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
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