need another drink. this is the easiest way
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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