so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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