just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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