If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
You are a genius and a whore.
Randomize
