not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
