someone threw a dead crab at me
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
