Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
