you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize