Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
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My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
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He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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