Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
