Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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