The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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