I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
