Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
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