I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
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