Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
