Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
