I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
