Umm I'm too high to move.
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
