the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
